We search the earth for implied permissions. Permission to speak before humanity. Permission to feel from our loved ones. Permission to count among nationals. Permission to come into our own. But if we wait to be told when to speak, will they not also expect us to read from their script and pause at their instruction? Perhaps there is more merit in being different, in standing out by standing up with bruises all over our hands and faces; souvenirs that tell stories about our lives and all the times we chose to live who we are- unapologetically.
Tag Archives: world
Sometimes speaking is too much effort; smiling is duplicitous and being attentive is damn near impossible. Perhaps the world is just too much. Or, could it be that some of us aren’t enough? It, this, all of life may well surpass our limitations.
The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. -Maya Angelou
This place, as it stands in all its faults and all its beauty will never be who I am. I cannot bring myself to submit to the ways of this broken system. I will not survive a corruption of my independent thought and speech. I feel lost. This is not my home. This will never be my home. I just wanna go home.
I fake smile a lot. Lately, often, I’m dying inside, but I detest the scent of spectators so I have to hide the emotional bruising and the anger; the pain and the feelings of inadequacy. It seems the only time I confront myself and all I’m feeling is when I’m completely alone- disconnected from the world in every way I can manage. I feel like I don’t believe in happiness anymore. It’s become a fairytale I’m tired of hearing; a burden of lies my mind has grown to reject. I position myself in front of a mirror. I smile. I can’t cheat the cheater.
So I challenged myself to not smile. To look straight at the camera and feel as I felt and look as I looked.
I am what I am however broken I am; sometimes that is all I can find the energy to be and unfortunately, sometimes, this has to be enough.